A messed up Rumpelstiltskin...
by Non Sequitur
Summary: The title says it all...


Rumpelstilksken 

Rumpelstilksken 

(Duk-Tak: Is that how you spell it?

Tigi: I don't know!

**runs and checks her story book**

**__**

Rumpelstiltskin 

Cast:

We're just, uh, kind of making it up as we go along… (As well, I'm having nasty, mean little Marisa TYPING it, so she doesn't really matter…

**string of profanities under Typist's breath**

GET OFF MY DAMNED KEYBOARD! I'M TYPING!

Okay, okay… Anyway, I'LL mention the copyrights as we go along.

~confusion~

Scene:

**In the forest, in a mill. The father is bragging (Scean © Marisa H) about his daughter (Hell if we know why)**

Scean: I have the most beautiful in the land! Not to mention talented!

Marisa (© (guess who!) Marisa H): Well, how come you're a drow, and yet, you're daughter is pale?

Scean (traumatized): Uh…

Aurora (© Jessica F): Don't get him confused. Believe me, when we got married, he forgot the way down the aisle.

Scean (flustered): Anyone could make that mistake! ANYWAY, our daughter-

Aurora: So now it's OUR daughter? I thought she was yours!

Scean (ignores her): She can spin straw into GOLD!

Aurora: She can?

Marisa: Really?

Scean: I think so.

**Vega (© Jessica F) suddenly bursts into the scene**

Vega: Father! Are you bragging about me again?

Marisa: Nothing much to brag about… 

Vega: You wanna go?

Aurora: Spin! Spin that straw like you've never spun before!

Vega: Huh?

Marisa (tackles Vega): Hah!

**fistfight**

Scean: HEY! Not my daughter AND my sister! What, do I live in a world of violent females? **grabs a stick and prods them apart** Honestly.

Marisa: Can you spin straw into gold?

**Suddenly, the KING rides up on his really nice horse (The typist here is horse ignorant ~happy smile~) That is white. The king, Lord, er, I mean King Jarlaxle (RA Salvatore's work, and his copyright him, doncha know) looks intrested.**

Jarlaxle: Spin straw into gold?

Aurora: Greedy bastard.

Jarlaxle: Thank you.

**Scean sniggers**

Jarlaxle: What am I doing riding, anyway? For Pity's sake, I only learned to ride when I was with Entreri in that damnable book!

Marisa: Jwah?

Jarlaxle: Never mind.

Vega: Why are you here?

Scean: Em, you shouldn't go around talking to a King like that…

Vega: I'll talk however the hell I want.

Jarlaxle: Whoah! Hold on a second. I'm king?

Marisa: Yeah.

Jarlaxle (points to an innocent bystander who we shall call, _Bob_, yes, Bob! His name is Bob, oh very fine name indeed…

*

Jarlaxle: Get on with it!

Duk-Tak and Tigi: Shut up.

*

Jarlaxle( So, anyway, this peasant BOB is wearing a raggedy old tunic and-

*

Jarlaxle: Em…

Duk-Tak: **not listening**

*

Jarlaxle (And he was leaning against a tree and…

*

Jarlaxle: SHUT UP!

Duk-Tak (meek voice): He's owned by Jessica F.

Tigi: EXCUSE ME! This is MY story! Therefore, no more 'Jarlaxle and Duk-Tak'! ME!

Tigi: ME!

Tigi: ME!

Tigi: ME!

Tigi: ME!

Tigi: ME!

Tigi: ME!

Tigi: ME!

Vega: WE GET IT!

(Back to Bob)

*

Jarlaxle (points to Bob): You there! Run around in circles, then hit the tree!

Bob: Yessir. **does as he's told and knocks himself out**

Jarlaxle (giggles): Now where were we?

Marisa: I believe you were leaving to capture some poor female.

Jarlaxle: Oh. Yes. Right **starts to leave** HEY! No I wasn't!

Scean: See how easily the King fell for the 'excuse'. I bet he was actually going to do that…

**Comical laughter (except from Jarlaxle and Bob)**

Jarlaxle: Shut up. Listen, girl-

Vega: Woman.

Jarlaxle: What?

Vega: I'm a woman, you idiot.

Jarlaxle: Jah. Whatever. Someone is only a woman when they sleep with- **sees Vega's evil eye** Not that I'm suggesting ANYTHING! But can you spin straw into gold?

Scean: Why ask her?

Jarlaxle: She's the talented one, you idiot!

Scean: Ah, but I'm the lying father.

Jarlaxle: Quite. So can she?

Scean: Jah.

Jarlaxle: Neato.

Vega: WHAT?

Jarlaxle (looks regal (for once)): Vega, you shall come with me to my kingdom-

Vega: Palace. I'm already in the friggin' kingdom.

Jarlaxle: Whatever. Palace, okay? Anyway, so come on, then spin some frikkin' straw into gold, so I can be rich. Jah.

Vega: This isn't fair.

Jarlaxle: Life's never fair, hon. 

Vega: Don't call me that. Yeah, okay! I'll come.

**At the bloody Palace. Vega stands before three thrones. With the King (Jarlaxle), The Queen (Malice-

*

Jarlaxle: Hold on! What am I doing, sleeping with my best friend's matron?

Malice: Why am I alive?

Dinin: I was dead too.

Tigi: get out of here! You're not in the plot yet!

Dinin: Righto. **disappears**

Duk-Tak: We had no one else. Duh.

Jarlaxle: You could've stuck me with some pretty.

Malice: HEY! I'll kill you for that!

Jarlaxle: You're the dead one.

Tigi: Both of you, just SHUT UP! (Malice Do'Urden © RA Salvatore)

*

**And their Prince (human? The rulers being frikkin' dark elves…) Dorian (© Jessica F)**

Malice: Kneel.

Vega: No.

Malice: Okay.

Jarlaxle: Ah. Women chatter. Reminds me why I cried when I found out I had a son. Gods, if we had a daughter, I would've-

Dorian: I love you too, dad.

Jarlaxle (winces): Eesh.

Malice: HEY! I'm the mother, here!

Dorian: Right, mo-

Malice (firmly): Hush.

Vega: Anyway… em… yesh?

Malice: Yeah.

**women gossip**

Jarlaxle: I thought I would live a SILENT life, but now there's another female in the house…

Dorian: Wow. You were wrong. How odd.

Jarlaxle (annoyed): Yes.

Vega: So WHAT do I do?

Jarlaxle: You spin straw into gold. Simple as that.

Vega: yeah. Sure. Simple.

Jarlaxle: Two bales! And they better be spun by tomorrow morning, or the penalty, is DEATH.

Vega (threateningly): What did you say?

Jarlaxle (meek): Nothing.

**Malice laughs**

Dorian: Women always hold out in the end. **sad sigh** 

Jarlaxle (regains dignity): Now go!

**Vega 'go'**

Scene:

**In the dungeon. Vega is reading the script**

Tigi: ME!

Duk-Tak: Shut UP.

Vega: Eh? I'm supposed to cry?

Tigi (waves her hands excitedly): I have an idea! None can match my brilliance! Fetch the tools of sadness!

Duk-Tak: Water?

Tigi(exuberant): YES!

**They force eyedrops into Vega's eyes**

Tigi: Behold! Sadness!

Duk-Tak: It's splasherific.

Vega: Yeesh.

**Vega is 'crying', when a crooked voice calls out**

Dinin (insulted): CROOKED?  
Tigi: Go with the program.

Dinin: Whatever. Fair maiden (hah!) why do you cry (double hah!)?

Vega: I cannot spin this straw into web- I mean, gold. **looks curiously at Duk-Tak**

Duk-Tak: Stop looking at the typist like that, thank you very much…

Dinin: Give me that ring, and I shall spin it all for you.

Vega (insulted at being thought of as a weakling (in her mind)): Yeah, sure, you can have the ring. **flashes the ring on her MIDDLE finger, gesturing at Dinin.**

Dinin: Okay… someone's PMS-ing…

Vega (snarls): Fine. Have the ring. But if you don't spin the damned web- I mean, straw ~stupid typist~ I will skin you alive before I'm executed.

Dinin: The King's executing you? Geez, tough break…

Vega: Will you spin the STRAW, or not?

Dinin: Yeah. Okay.

(Dinin © RA Salvatore)

**Lots of straw-spinning happy time passes**

Vega: How come you can do it?

Dinin: I secretly stole the potion from the alchemists! I even have the Elixir of Life!

Vega: Cool.

**Dinin Disappears**

Vega: Did he get that from the alchemists, too?

**Door opens to reveal Jarlaxle and Dorian**

Jarlaxle (eyes immediately light up at sight of gold): Well done. Unfortunately, since I have such a greedy son-

Dorian: Huh?

Jarlaxle: You have to spin a small room of straw into good for him. And he has ordered you dead if you don't finish the job. Me being modest and nice and all, I only want two bales of straw-spun, but young Dorian here wants a small room…

Dorian: I do-

Jarlaxle: Quiet, boy. See? He said so himself!

Dorian: You cut-

Jarlaxle: Exactly! Murderous, boy, isn't he? Wants your head cut off. **shakes his head sadly** Why did I spawn such a demon child? 

Dorian: What? You didn't even-

Jarlaxle: Stop you? Oh yes, I know. I take no responsibility on your actions, dear boy, and thus, if this wonderful female does not complete the job, her death is your fault- you said it yourself- but you must understand my love, so you'll give have of the gold to me if she succeeds, hmm?

Dorian: I-

Jarlaxle: Thank you, boy. Let's go. **grabs Dorian's hair and drags him off**

**Vega is made to spin more straw. Lots of tear drops into eyes pass, until Dinin shows up again**

Dinin: Don't cry.

Vega: Okay. **quickly rubs the drops out of her eyes.

Dinin (sighs): Do you want me to do this all over again?

Vega: yeah. Here'll, I'll give you a lock of my pretty hair.

Dinin: Emm… no thanks. How about the bracelet?

Vega: Yeah. Okay. Why do you want it?

Dinin: I'm practically the slave of the ladies. Good looks, you know. **Flashes handsome smile**

Duk-Tak (outraged): DININ! No charms until AFTER we're done!

**Dinin sulks and spins the web- STRAW.**

**Nest day, Jarlaxle comes back, and hurriedly explains that he needs more gold to buy gifts for his dear wife (yeah right), so he sticks her in a freakishly large room filled with nice, soft webbing- STRAW, and locks her in. So, back comes the tear drops after a nice little rant from Vega**

Dinin (comes back): Yadda yadda…

Vega: heck with this! I'm leaving!

Dinin (flustered): What? You can't do that!

Vega: Watch me! **struts off**

Tigi: AH!

Duk-Tak: New actor! But who?

Tigi: Who haven't we used?

**malevolent gazes drift to Drizzt**

Drizzt: Oh, NO. No WAY I am playing that part! (Drizzt is © RA Salvatore)

**A few minutes later, Drizzt is hauled screaming into the room.**

Drizzt: This goes against-

Tigi: We don't care!

Drizzt: This is barbaric! Absolutely-

Tigi: I've never been one for pity. 

Drizzt: Shutting up now…

Dinin: Yadda yadda yadda…

Drizzt: Umm…

Dinin: Read the script.

Drizzt (pulls script out from under his shirt): Uh, I have nothing to offer you in return to spin this gold…?

Dinin: Have you been following along?

Drizzt: Barely.

Dinin: Ah. Well, anyways, you must give me your firstborn child.

Drizzt (wrinkles his nose): Okay…

Dinin (shrugs): Alright then.

**Spins straw**

**The next day, Jarlaxle (after getting a convertible) proclaimed that Dorian and Drizzt were to be wed-

*

Drizzt: WHOAH! Hold on there.

Dorian: I'm not feeling peachy about it either.

Tigi: You should be. It's an honor, getting to be a part of a royal family…

Drizzt (sarcastic): Gee, this would be great, IF DORIAN WAS MARISA, OR AT LEAST THE OPPOSITE GENDER! And how the heck are we gonna have kids?

Tigi: You figure it out. 

Dorian (looks around in interest): Where's Vega?

**A flying shoe hits him in the face**

Duk-Tak: There's your answer.

Tigi: Ugh. **knowing the present situation won't work out (being so smart and all) she drags Vega back onto the scene** There! Happy?

Dorian: Well, Drizzt's praying in thanks…

Tigi: Good for him.

Vega: Gar.

**They get married, and they 'have' a kid (adopted). Three days later, Dinin shows up.**

Dinin: Me want payment.

Vega: Why would you want a kid?

Dinin: I dunno. Rumpel-freakin'-stiltskin was a strange thing. I wonder if-

Vega: You can't have this baby, or I shall attack.

Dinin (waves hand threateningly): If you don't guess my name in three days, I shall kill you.

Vega: Crap. Really?

Dinin: I dunno. I die before that, don't I?

**Three days later, servant hears Dinin singing in the woods, bragging about how Vega is such a dumb ass she won't know his name. So servant tells Vega, who promptly fires the servant for ruining the whole challenge of the game.**

Dinin: I am back! What is my name?

Vega: Rumpelstiltskin.

Dinin: Oh yeah. What do I do now?

Vega (suggestion): Die?

Dinin (sarcastic): Really?

Vega: Stamp your foot. I think you fall through the towers and floors and die.

Dinin (whiny): Can't I just jump out of the window?

Vega: Sure.

Dinin: Will I actually die?

Vega: I dunno. Probably. You died once, there's no harm the second time.

**Dinin (gasp) jumps out the window. **

[End]

* * * * *

Credits and Junk

* * * * * 

Ta-dah!


End file.
